1 00:00:02,393 --> 00:00:04,482 ♪♪ [theme] 2 00:00:54,097 --> 00:00:56,230 -[shell explodes] -HAWKEYE: Will you-- 3 00:00:56,273 --> 00:00:58,971 -For cryin' out loud, cut it out! -Stop it! Will you stop it! 4 00:00:59,015 --> 00:01:01,800 -Just leave us alone! -Will you cut it out! 5 00:01:08,285 --> 00:01:10,113 If only we could get some news, 6 00:01:10,157 --> 00:01:11,549 any news. 7 00:01:11,593 --> 00:01:13,421 You boys better get some sleep. 8 00:01:13,464 --> 00:01:15,423 We're gonna miss them in O.R. tomorrow. 9 00:01:15,466 --> 00:01:18,078 I can't sleep. I keep expecting him to walk through the door. 10 00:01:18,121 --> 00:01:21,298 I've said an entire novena in one night. 11 00:01:21,342 --> 00:01:23,213 Guess we'll just have to wait. 12 00:01:23,257 --> 00:01:25,085 I'm sure they're all right. 13 00:01:25,128 --> 00:01:26,608 They must be going through hell out there. 14 00:01:29,785 --> 00:01:32,135 [shell explodes in distance] 15 00:01:32,179 --> 00:01:34,355 Colonel, this guy you said couldn't wait 16 00:01:34,398 --> 00:01:35,791 has been waiting 45 minutes. 17 00:01:35,834 --> 00:01:38,228 All right. Hold your horses. B.J.? 18 00:01:38,272 --> 00:01:41,188 I got him. Put him down on the end and get him ready. 19 00:01:41,231 --> 00:01:43,973 -Send Kellye over here to close for me. -Kellye, thread your needle. 20 00:01:44,016 --> 00:01:46,062 -Father, retract this for me. -Right. 21 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,673 Great. Musical scalpels. Give me a clean gown. 22 00:01:48,717 --> 00:01:50,893 I hope you're shaking a leg, Winchester. 23 00:01:50,936 --> 00:01:52,721 Colonel, my graceful fingers 24 00:01:52,764 --> 00:01:54,331 are dancing o'er the innards of this hapless doughboy, 25 00:01:54,375 --> 00:01:56,942 and, when I am done, I shall be done. 26 00:01:56,986 --> 00:02:00,729 -I'm sorry I asked. -That's what I had in mind. 27 00:02:00,772 --> 00:02:02,252 Anybody know where Hawk and Margaret are 28 00:02:02,296 --> 00:02:03,993 and why nobody's out looking for them? 29 00:02:04,036 --> 00:02:05,995 I spoke to the chaplain at I-Corps a few minutes ago. 30 00:02:06,038 --> 00:02:07,823 -And? -No help. 31 00:02:07,866 --> 00:02:09,694 They still won't send up a spotter plane for a search. 32 00:02:09,738 --> 00:02:11,174 His C.O. just won't budge. 33 00:02:11,218 --> 00:02:12,915 Did you tell him we're desperate? 34 00:02:12,958 --> 00:02:15,352 Rather vividly. I'm afraid my anger 35 00:02:15,396 --> 00:02:17,180 may cost me a few days in purgatory. 36 00:02:17,224 --> 00:02:19,530 Well, your heart was in the right place, Father. 37 00:02:19,574 --> 00:02:22,185 I wish mine was. Right now, it's in my mouth, 38 00:02:22,229 --> 00:02:24,056 waiting for somebody to do something. 39 00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:27,234 CHARLES: You know, his abrasive personality to one side, 40 00:02:27,277 --> 00:02:29,279 Pierce was a skilled surgeon. 41 00:02:29,323 --> 00:02:30,933 Charles, it's a bit premature 42 00:02:30,976 --> 00:02:32,456 to be speaking well of the dead. 43 00:02:32,500 --> 00:02:34,502 Colonel, did you get through to the 8063rd yet? 44 00:02:34,545 --> 00:02:36,547 Still floating on a sea of static. 45 00:02:36,591 --> 00:02:38,201 A little more retraction there, if you please, Father. 46 00:02:38,245 --> 00:02:40,072 Oh, yes. Sorry. 47 00:02:40,116 --> 00:02:42,118 I'm afraid I'm not as sharp a nurse as Margaret. 48 00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:45,208 If the truth be known, Margaret was a superior nurse. 49 00:02:45,252 --> 00:02:47,906 Charles, will you quit talking about them in the past tense? 50 00:02:47,950 --> 00:02:50,126 How would you like me to talk about them, in the future tense? 51 00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:52,389 Yes, actually. 52 00:02:52,433 --> 00:02:55,697 We could all say a little prayer that they'll come home tonight. 53 00:02:55,740 --> 00:02:58,395 That's not too far in the future, is it, Major? 54 00:02:58,439 --> 00:03:00,223 Touché, Father. 55 00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:02,573 [birds chirping] 56 00:03:11,582 --> 00:03:12,757 Oh, yeah. 57 00:03:16,674 --> 00:03:18,372 -[moaning] -Hmm. 58 00:03:18,415 --> 00:03:19,677 Mm. 59 00:03:20,939 --> 00:03:21,984 Well. 60 00:03:23,942 --> 00:03:25,422 -Hi. -Hi. 61 00:03:28,077 --> 00:03:30,427 Did you sleep well? 62 00:03:30,471 --> 00:03:32,777 Gee, I don't know. I was unconscious most of the time. 63 00:03:34,953 --> 00:03:37,304 How about a nice, big breakfast? 64 00:03:37,347 --> 00:03:39,262 Great. What'll we do, 65 00:03:39,306 --> 00:03:41,960 call room service or go down to the coffee shop? 66 00:03:42,004 --> 00:03:43,745 Do we still have those canned peaches? 67 00:03:43,788 --> 00:03:45,790 -I don't know. I'll see. -No. You just rest. 68 00:03:45,834 --> 00:03:47,879 -I'll fix breakfast. -Oh. 69 00:04:01,066 --> 00:04:03,286 [laughing] 70 00:04:03,330 --> 00:04:05,897 -Oh. I wish we had the caviar. -Yeah. 71 00:04:07,856 --> 00:04:10,032 Oh, no peaches. 72 00:04:10,075 --> 00:04:12,817 -Crackers and jam. -Well. 73 00:04:12,861 --> 00:04:16,647 Well, that's not so bad. That's all right. 74 00:04:18,345 --> 00:04:20,434 A continental breakfast. 75 00:04:20,477 --> 00:04:22,827 -The continent of Atlantis. -The what? 76 00:04:22,871 --> 00:04:26,048 -That's the one that sank. -Oh. Yeah. 77 00:04:26,091 --> 00:04:30,139 -That's like a joke. -Similar. 78 00:04:30,182 --> 00:04:34,143 You know, I really love your sense of humor. 79 00:04:34,186 --> 00:04:35,971 There have been times in the O.R., 80 00:04:36,014 --> 00:04:37,364 no one could see under my mask, 81 00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:40,671 I was smiling at everything you said. 82 00:04:40,715 --> 00:04:43,326 Sometimes I'd be standing right next to Frank, 83 00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:45,502 and you'd get off a really good one on him, 84 00:04:45,546 --> 00:04:48,026 and I'd just be grinning from ear to ear. 85 00:04:48,070 --> 00:04:51,116 -No kidding. -[laughing] 86 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:54,642 How did you feel about me... under your mask? 87 00:04:54,685 --> 00:04:57,297 Well, you know, a lot of the stuff that came 88 00:04:57,340 --> 00:04:58,689 out of my mouth and through my mask 89 00:04:58,733 --> 00:05:01,170 was just fatigue and craziness. 90 00:05:01,213 --> 00:05:04,695 I know. I think I always knew. 91 00:05:04,739 --> 00:05:08,003 I mean, I've always felt that you were a very attractive... 92 00:05:08,046 --> 00:05:11,833 very, uh... 93 00:05:11,876 --> 00:05:13,356 attractive person. 94 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,010 And there we were, 95 00:05:15,053 --> 00:05:17,795 hiding behind our masks all the time. 96 00:05:17,839 --> 00:05:21,973 -Yeah. -If only I'd have known before I met Donald. 97 00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:27,065 -You know? -Yeah. 98 00:05:28,502 --> 00:05:32,244 Oh! I must look awful. 99 00:05:32,288 --> 00:05:34,377 You look fine. Wonderful. 100 00:05:34,421 --> 00:05:37,641 Ah! Here I am... no lipstick, no comb, 101 00:05:37,685 --> 00:05:40,383 dust all over my face. 102 00:05:40,427 --> 00:05:43,168 Well, I guess if I could pass muster on a morning like this, 103 00:05:43,212 --> 00:05:45,214 I can't be that bad. 104 00:05:45,257 --> 00:05:47,477 -You look great, Margaret. -Oh! 105 00:05:47,521 --> 00:05:50,045 I wish I had my toothbrush. 106 00:05:50,088 --> 00:05:53,614 If I don't keep my teeth polished, they get positively dim. 107 00:05:53,657 --> 00:05:55,703 You have the whitest teeth I've ever seen. 108 00:05:55,746 --> 00:05:58,270 Oh, I always thought they were my weak point. 109 00:05:58,314 --> 00:06:01,970 -Margaret, you could read by your teeth. -[laughing] 110 00:06:02,013 --> 00:06:04,015 You know what I like about you? 111 00:06:04,059 --> 00:06:07,323 You don't shower a woman with empty praise. 112 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,369 You say very little. 113 00:06:09,412 --> 00:06:13,416 But when you do give a tiny, little compliment, 114 00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:15,287 it means so much more. 115 00:06:18,116 --> 00:06:20,075 [sighs] 116 00:06:20,118 --> 00:06:22,599 -Doug, have you got a second? -Hey, Beej, how's it goin'? 117 00:06:22,643 --> 00:06:25,167 Lousy. Pierce and Houlihan have been missing for a day and a half. 118 00:06:25,210 --> 00:06:27,299 We can't get I-Corps to send a plane to look for them. 119 00:06:27,343 --> 00:06:29,432 I know. I got orders to stay on the ground too. 120 00:06:29,476 --> 00:06:31,565 If we don't find them, the North Koreans will. 121 00:06:31,608 --> 00:06:32,914 -I'm not just gonna sit here and let that happen. 122 00:06:32,957 --> 00:06:35,220 -You're not? -No. We're not. 123 00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:37,875 We? You, me and my chopper? 124 00:06:37,919 --> 00:06:40,269 The three and only. 125 00:06:40,312 --> 00:06:42,880 You and I could get into an awful lot of trouble, and so could my chopper. 126 00:06:42,924 --> 00:06:44,491 I don't have any authorization. 127 00:06:44,534 --> 00:06:46,710 You fly through machine gun fire to pick up wounded G.I.s. 128 00:06:46,754 --> 00:06:48,233 What kind of authorization do you have for that? 129 00:06:48,277 --> 00:06:50,148 Anybody from I-Corps sees us up there, 130 00:06:50,192 --> 00:06:52,412 there ain't gonna be a sling big enough to hold our butts. 131 00:06:52,455 --> 00:06:55,327 Aylesworth, nobody's gonna see us up there but the North Koreans. 132 00:06:55,371 --> 00:06:57,939 -All they got is guns. -All right. 133 00:06:57,982 --> 00:07:00,420 All right. You know I can't turn down a chance to get shot at. 134 00:07:05,990 --> 00:07:08,210 Margaret, you certainly are a delicious cook. 135 00:07:08,253 --> 00:07:11,561 [chuckles] Wait until you see what I do with leftovers. 136 00:07:13,824 --> 00:07:16,653 Well, here we are-- two sleepy people by dawn's early light, 137 00:07:16,697 --> 00:07:19,787 hoping they won't get shot before lunch. 138 00:07:19,830 --> 00:07:22,093 Who'd have thought we'd wind up together like this? 139 00:07:22,137 --> 00:07:24,618 Makes you stop and think, doesn't it? 140 00:07:26,402 --> 00:07:28,883 There's somebody out there! Get down! 141 00:07:28,926 --> 00:07:30,145 Get down? I can't get up. 142 00:07:30,188 --> 00:07:32,147 No, no, no, no! Stay there. 143 00:07:34,105 --> 00:07:35,672 It's all right. Don't panic, darling. 144 00:07:35,716 --> 00:07:37,718 -We'll be all right. -It's a North Korean. 145 00:07:37,761 --> 00:07:40,503 -"Darling"? -We'll be fine. Just relax. 146 00:07:40,547 --> 00:07:42,505 Margaret, there's a man in uniform out there, 147 00:07:42,549 --> 00:07:44,333 and he's not here to read the meter. 148 00:07:47,597 --> 00:07:49,686 -We gotta get outta here. -He won't come in. 149 00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:51,732 Look, he's scavenging. He filled his pockets, 150 00:07:51,775 --> 00:07:53,821 and he's coming in here to look for more goodies. 151 00:07:53,864 --> 00:07:56,214 -Come on! -[groans] My leg doesn't work. 152 00:07:56,258 --> 00:08:00,392 -It stiffened up overnight. -Try to move! Please! 153 00:08:00,436 --> 00:08:02,351 He's almost here! 154 00:08:02,394 --> 00:08:05,485 Oh, forget it. Hide! Hide! 155 00:08:05,528 --> 00:08:07,748 Come here, come here! Get under. Come on. 156 00:08:09,271 --> 00:08:10,925 Get down, get down. 157 00:08:14,624 --> 00:08:17,148 [speaking Korean] 158 00:08:34,644 --> 00:08:36,646 [Korean] 159 00:08:36,690 --> 00:08:38,605 [groans] 160 00:08:43,435 --> 00:08:45,481 Don't touch him! He may be booby-trapped. 161 00:08:46,569 --> 00:08:48,615 He's got a belly wound. 162 00:08:48,658 --> 00:08:50,051 God, this guy was out there 163 00:08:50,094 --> 00:08:51,705 stealing pennies from a dead man. 164 00:08:51,748 --> 00:08:54,490 He's only got a couple of hours left himself. 165 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,536 What crazy place is this? 166 00:08:56,579 --> 00:08:59,364 -How hungry can they be? -He could have killed us. 167 00:08:59,408 --> 00:09:02,367 I doubt it, not if you'd offered him breakfast. 168 00:09:02,411 --> 00:09:05,588 Who knows how many more there are out there? 169 00:09:05,632 --> 00:09:08,156 -[helicopter approaching] -What's that? 170 00:09:10,593 --> 00:09:13,944 It's a chopper. It's one of ours! 171 00:09:13,988 --> 00:09:16,207 -We're saved! -Margaret! 172 00:09:16,251 --> 00:09:18,558 Hey! Hey! 173 00:09:18,601 --> 00:09:21,517 Here we are! Hey! 174 00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:24,738 Hey! Here we are! Hey! 175 00:09:26,435 --> 00:09:29,394 -Nothing. How about your side? -Not a thing. 176 00:09:29,438 --> 00:09:32,528 KLINGER [on radio]: MASH 4077 to Red Four. Over. 177 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:33,921 -[radio static] -Give me that. 178 00:09:33,964 --> 00:09:36,010 Come in, Red Four. Do you read me? 179 00:09:36,053 --> 00:09:39,317 -That's Potter. -Well, do we answer? 180 00:09:39,361 --> 00:09:41,798 Suppose the radio's broken for another five minutes. 181 00:09:41,842 --> 00:09:43,757 I know you can hear me, damn it. 182 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:45,106 Now pick up the phone. 183 00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:47,630 Is he gonna be mad when we get back. 184 00:09:47,674 --> 00:09:49,066 Not if we find them. Let's keep looking. 185 00:09:51,112 --> 00:09:54,898 -No! Oh! Oh! -They gotta be here. Where are they? 186 00:09:54,942 --> 00:09:56,334 POTTER [on radio]: Listen, you nitwits! 187 00:09:56,378 --> 00:09:58,162 You are in such big trouble, 188 00:09:58,206 --> 00:10:00,338 you're gonna need a lawyer just to land again. 189 00:10:00,382 --> 00:10:03,646 First my chief surgeon and my head nurse disappear, and now you. 190 00:10:04,952 --> 00:10:06,040 B.J.: Wait a minute. What's that? 191 00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:07,563 It's a MASH jeep. 192 00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,130 Colonel Potter, it's B.J. I think we found them. 193 00:10:09,173 --> 00:10:10,784 What? Where are you? 194 00:10:16,311 --> 00:10:17,704 Uh-oh. 195 00:10:20,358 --> 00:10:23,100 Doesn't this thing go any faster? 196 00:10:23,144 --> 00:10:26,451 -[gunfire continues] -They got the antenna. 197 00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:27,931 -B.J.: Let's get outta here! -[motor sputtering] 198 00:10:27,975 --> 00:10:32,414 Oh! Oh! Hawk-- Hawkeye! 199 00:10:32,457 --> 00:10:35,460 Ah! Ah! 200 00:10:35,504 --> 00:10:36,940 They were hit! They went back! 201 00:10:36,984 --> 00:10:38,463 Did you hear the shooting? 202 00:10:38,507 --> 00:10:40,291 Come on! We've gotta get outta here! 203 00:10:40,335 --> 00:10:41,641 Where's the sulfa? 204 00:10:41,684 --> 00:10:43,294 Come on! They'll be here any minute! 205 00:10:43,338 --> 00:10:45,645 -Here it is. -Darling, will you move, please? 206 00:10:45,688 --> 00:10:48,430 -There are people out there who want to kill us! -Give me a hand here. 207 00:10:48,473 --> 00:10:49,779 You're not taking him with us? 208 00:10:49,823 --> 00:10:51,476 Don't be silly. This is our date. 209 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:53,217 I'm gonna give him a quarter and send him to the movies. 210 00:10:53,261 --> 00:10:54,654 He's the enemy! 211 00:10:54,697 --> 00:10:56,394 That's funny. He bleeds just like our side. 212 00:10:56,438 --> 00:10:59,876 -Ah! -My leg is coming along really well. 213 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:03,227 Listen to me. You've got to try to walk. 214 00:11:03,271 --> 00:11:05,273 They'll be here any minute. They'll find him. 215 00:11:05,316 --> 00:11:07,144 Suppose they don't come in here. He'll die. 216 00:11:07,188 --> 00:11:09,843 Everybody comes in here! We came in. He came in. 217 00:11:09,886 --> 00:11:12,149 It's Grand Central Station in here! 218 00:11:12,193 --> 00:11:14,282 Move! Please! 219 00:11:16,545 --> 00:11:18,982 Look. I love how brave you are. 220 00:11:19,026 --> 00:11:21,028 It's thrilling, really. 221 00:11:21,071 --> 00:11:24,161 I love to see a strong man who takes charge like that. 222 00:11:24,205 --> 00:11:27,121 Now do what I tell you! Walk to that door! 223 00:11:29,601 --> 00:11:32,692 Ah, my brave soldier. You're wonderful. 224 00:11:32,735 --> 00:11:34,694 You're my inspiration. 225 00:11:34,737 --> 00:11:36,957 Shake a leg! 226 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,436 You wanna trade places, fella? 227 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:45,356 [motor sputtering] 228 00:11:55,366 --> 00:11:56,890 Let me tell you, Hunnicutt. 229 00:11:56,933 --> 00:12:00,197 Stealing a U.S. Army helicopter is slightly more serious 230 00:12:00,241 --> 00:12:02,069 than grabbing the family car Saturday night. 231 00:12:02,112 --> 00:12:03,635 Colonel, I think we found them. 232 00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:05,289 We spotted a jeep, and I think I saw Margaret. 233 00:12:05,333 --> 00:12:07,204 -You know the coordinates? -Yeah. I got 'em. 234 00:12:07,248 --> 00:12:09,772 Come on. The North Koreans are backing off. 235 00:12:09,816 --> 00:12:13,689 The 8063rd can send out a search party. 236 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,169 Sorry about the chopper, Colonel. 237 00:12:15,212 --> 00:12:16,953 I'm taking it out of your allowance. 238 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,311 -I like my men neat. -And not on the rocks? 239 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:32,447 When we get back, I'm gonna get you a new shirt. 240 00:12:32,490 --> 00:12:35,058 This one's nice, but I hate it. 241 00:12:35,102 --> 00:12:39,280 This shirt has stains on it that hold fond memories for me. 242 00:12:39,323 --> 00:12:41,586 You know, you don't have to make a joke about everything. 243 00:12:41,630 --> 00:12:42,849 Just about most things. 244 00:12:42,892 --> 00:12:44,894 I'll have you in tow soon. 245 00:12:48,071 --> 00:12:51,945 -Don't you ever shave? -Just my legs. 246 00:12:51,988 --> 00:12:53,816 You know all the time 247 00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:56,427 -when we were insulting each other? -Yeah? 248 00:12:56,471 --> 00:12:58,734 Every once in a while... 249 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:01,606 I'd wonder what it would be like to be... 250 00:13:03,434 --> 00:13:05,828 ...you know, close to you. 251 00:13:05,872 --> 00:13:07,961 -Did you? -Oh. 252 00:13:08,004 --> 00:13:10,659 We can be honest with each other now. 253 00:13:11,921 --> 00:13:15,403 Yes, I did. Sure. 254 00:13:15,446 --> 00:13:18,754 And there you were wasting time with all those other women. 255 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,669 Well, waste not, want not. 256 00:13:24,368 --> 00:13:26,240 I guess we have a problem, don't we? 257 00:13:28,111 --> 00:13:29,460 We do? 258 00:13:29,504 --> 00:13:31,854 What are we gonna tell Donald? 259 00:13:35,945 --> 00:13:37,947 Tell Donald? 260 00:13:37,991 --> 00:13:39,906 [stammering] What are we gonna tell Donald? 261 00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:44,736 -About what? -About us. 262 00:13:44,780 --> 00:13:46,695 About what happened. 263 00:13:49,872 --> 00:13:51,874 Uh, well... 264 00:13:51,918 --> 00:13:54,137 what do you usually tell him? 265 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,141 What do I usually tell him? 266 00:13:58,185 --> 00:13:59,708 -No, I mean-- -Yes? 267 00:13:59,751 --> 00:14:01,666 -[branch snaps] -Did you just hear something? 268 00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:03,625 What do you mean, what do I usually tell him? 269 00:14:03,668 --> 00:14:04,800 Margaret, somebody's out there. 270 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,497 What do you mean by that crack? 271 00:14:06,541 --> 00:14:07,847 Quiet. Get under that bush. 272 00:14:07,890 --> 00:14:09,761 I'm waiting for an explanation, Mister! 273 00:14:09,805 --> 00:14:11,285 Come on, come on. Get up. 274 00:14:17,682 --> 00:14:18,858 [rifle bolt locks] 275 00:14:25,908 --> 00:14:27,823 Oh, hi. 276 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,478 Would you be Captain Pierce and Major Houlihan? 277 00:14:30,521 --> 00:14:33,785 -That's right, yeah. -We're from the 8063rd. 278 00:14:33,829 --> 00:14:36,527 -Oh! -You must be pretty glad to see us. 279 00:14:36,571 --> 00:14:38,878 Glad? [laughs] 280 00:14:38,921 --> 00:14:41,706 Glad? [laughing hysterically] 281 00:14:41,750 --> 00:14:43,795 -Glad? -Stop laughing! 282 00:14:43,839 --> 00:14:45,972 -Margaret, it's over. -No, it isn't! 283 00:14:46,015 --> 00:14:47,974 Not by a long shot, buster! 284 00:14:52,413 --> 00:14:54,415 HAWKEYE: So once the new section of artery is in place, 285 00:14:54,458 --> 00:14:56,547 you do an end-to-end anastomosis. 286 00:14:56,591 --> 00:14:58,332 MARGARET: We're using a new vascular clamp 287 00:14:58,375 --> 00:15:00,116 designed at the 4077th. 288 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,336 It allows us to stop the bleeding 289 00:15:02,379 --> 00:15:04,207 without crushing the artery. 290 00:15:04,251 --> 00:15:06,122 -Scissors. -Scissors! 291 00:15:06,166 --> 00:15:07,080 Thank you. 292 00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:11,084 It's a lot like a coarctation of the aorta 293 00:15:11,127 --> 00:15:12,389 where the narrowed area is removed 294 00:15:12,433 --> 00:15:13,956 and you sew the two ends together. 295 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,566 It's new, but it's safe... 296 00:15:15,610 --> 00:15:17,133 for the patient. 297 00:15:17,177 --> 00:15:20,136 Make sure the wound is well irrigated, nurses, 298 00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:21,616 or you're liable to have a doctor 299 00:15:21,659 --> 00:15:24,053 turn on you viciously. 300 00:15:24,097 --> 00:15:26,186 Be sure to ask for the right instruments, doctors, 301 00:15:26,229 --> 00:15:29,493 or you're liable to get handed something you didn't expect. 302 00:15:29,537 --> 00:15:31,147 Time is important here. 303 00:15:31,191 --> 00:15:33,584 Whatever he asks for, give it to him immediately, 304 00:15:33,628 --> 00:15:36,283 whether you think he can handle it or not. 305 00:15:39,851 --> 00:15:43,203 And that does it. Doctor, would you close for me? 306 00:15:43,246 --> 00:15:45,335 -Major Houlihan, can I see you outside? -Certainly. 307 00:15:48,599 --> 00:15:51,080 -What the hell is the matter with you? -Not a thing, Captain. 308 00:15:51,124 --> 00:15:52,864 -What's eating you? -I'll tell you what's eating me. 309 00:15:52,908 --> 00:15:55,432 You're driving me crazy. We got along a lot better 310 00:15:55,476 --> 00:15:56,999 until we started to get along so well. 311 00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:58,435 Now all of a sudden, you're the queen 312 00:15:58,479 --> 00:15:59,871 and I'm the "Mirror, mirror on the wall." 313 00:15:59,915 --> 00:16:01,438 Is that so? 314 00:16:01,482 --> 00:16:03,136 If I had to tell you you were beautiful one more time, 315 00:16:03,179 --> 00:16:04,702 I was gonna put it on a record. 316 00:16:04,746 --> 00:16:06,791 -Are you trying to say I'm vain? -Who, me? 317 00:16:06,835 --> 00:16:09,316 -And demanding, I suppose? -Look, I don't mind, 318 00:16:09,359 --> 00:16:12,232 but all this genuflecting is making my pants baggy. 319 00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:14,712 Let me tell you something, buster. 320 00:16:14,756 --> 00:16:18,847 Sir Walter Raleigh you ain't. You think you're not demanding? 321 00:16:18,890 --> 00:16:20,936 You think it isn't vain to expect me to laugh 322 00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:23,243 at every stupid thing that comes into your head? 323 00:16:23,286 --> 00:16:25,897 And the sloppiness, the crudity! 324 00:16:25,941 --> 00:16:27,987 And stop trying to improve me. 325 00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:30,728 -Just leave me the way I am. -Gladly. 326 00:16:30,772 --> 00:16:32,774 Just a second. I'm not finished. 327 00:16:32,817 --> 00:16:34,384 Let's keep this out of the operating room. 328 00:16:34,428 --> 00:16:36,082 When we walk into surgery, 329 00:16:36,125 --> 00:16:38,127 I expect us to cut into the patients, not each other. 330 00:16:38,171 --> 00:16:40,434 I'm a professional, Captain. 331 00:16:40,477 --> 00:16:42,697 When we get back to the 4077th, 332 00:16:42,740 --> 00:16:44,742 no one will see the faintest sign from me 333 00:16:44,786 --> 00:16:47,223 we've had even the mildest disagreement. 334 00:16:47,267 --> 00:16:48,659 -Thank you. -You're welcome. 335 00:16:50,748 --> 00:16:53,012 Shall we go back in for questions now? 336 00:16:53,055 --> 00:16:54,752 Certainly. 337 00:16:54,796 --> 00:16:56,885 Here's to our dear friends Hawkeye and Margaret, 338 00:16:56,928 --> 00:16:58,191 who, thank God, are still with us, 339 00:16:58,234 --> 00:17:02,108 body and spirit intact. 340 00:17:02,151 --> 00:17:03,848 -Amen. -I'll see your amen 341 00:17:03,892 --> 00:17:05,198 and raise you two hallelujahs. 342 00:17:05,241 --> 00:17:07,722 A "Hallelujah Chorus" of hallelujahs. 343 00:17:07,765 --> 00:17:10,116 They ought to be back in a couple hours. 344 00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:11,421 I don't mind telling you 345 00:17:11,465 --> 00:17:13,293 I was scared clear down to my jodhpurs. 346 00:17:13,336 --> 00:17:16,078 We all were, Colonel. [laughing] 347 00:17:16,122 --> 00:17:18,298 I don't imagine they had too terrific a time of it themselves. 348 00:17:18,341 --> 00:17:20,952 [B.J., Potter, Charles laughing] 349 00:17:20,996 --> 00:17:23,042 Those two? 350 00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:25,479 Probably at each other's throats the whole time. 351 00:17:25,522 --> 00:17:27,698 Oh, I don't know. Sometimes in adversity, 352 00:17:27,742 --> 00:17:31,006 the coldest of enemies can close ranks together, 353 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:33,661 joining hands, as it were, sustaining each other. 354 00:17:35,706 --> 00:17:37,230 Maybe he's got a point there. 355 00:17:37,273 --> 00:17:39,275 You know, I never looked at it quite that way. 356 00:17:39,319 --> 00:17:42,452 You think they, uh, joined hands? 357 00:17:42,496 --> 00:17:44,541 They may have even sustained each other. 358 00:17:44,585 --> 00:17:46,630 Not to mention closing ranks. 359 00:17:46,674 --> 00:17:48,850 [chortling] 360 00:17:48,893 --> 00:17:51,070 Ahem. What do you think, Father? 361 00:17:52,941 --> 00:17:54,464 I think I'm in over my head. 362 00:17:55,726 --> 00:17:58,729 [cheering] 363 00:17:58,773 --> 00:18:01,602 [Margaret squeals] 364 00:18:01,645 --> 00:18:03,995 [All talking, shouting, indistinct] 365 00:18:05,954 --> 00:18:08,174 KLINGER: The 8063rd! 366 00:18:08,217 --> 00:18:10,480 -What's the trouble? -A house fell on me. 367 00:18:10,524 --> 00:18:12,482 -KLINGER: You're kidding. -MARGARET: Hello, Colonel! 368 00:18:15,616 --> 00:18:17,922 Here we are, Margaret. Sit right there. 369 00:18:17,966 --> 00:18:20,229 -Oh! -Let's get it all set up for you. 370 00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:23,102 We welcome back our wandering children with open arms. 371 00:18:23,145 --> 00:18:24,625 And so they don't get lost again, 372 00:18:24,668 --> 00:18:27,018 we have a couple of little gifts for them. 373 00:18:27,062 --> 00:18:28,455 Klinger. 374 00:18:28,498 --> 00:18:30,283 A MASH compass. 375 00:18:30,326 --> 00:18:31,762 [laughter] 376 00:18:31,806 --> 00:18:34,113 If from this camp you ever stray, 377 00:18:34,156 --> 00:18:36,158 this little compass will point the way. 378 00:18:36,202 --> 00:18:38,204 Aim this arrow to where you ain't, 379 00:18:38,247 --> 00:18:39,553 and you'll come home with no complaint. 380 00:18:43,165 --> 00:18:45,124 In case you go traveling again... 381 00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:47,778 here are your passports. 382 00:18:47,822 --> 00:18:50,738 "This is a chief surgeon and a head nurse. 383 00:18:50,781 --> 00:18:53,393 "Do not give them candy or let them loose. 384 00:18:53,436 --> 00:18:56,004 "Please return to MASH 4077, 385 00:18:56,047 --> 00:18:58,180 "where they will be given hot soup, 386 00:18:58,224 --> 00:19:00,965 clean jammies, and a kiss on the head." 387 00:19:01,009 --> 00:19:03,272 -Ah! -[all applauding] 388 00:19:03,316 --> 00:19:07,189 Welcome home. Welcome home. 389 00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:10,061 POTTER: And our undying thanks to the bad little boys 390 00:19:10,105 --> 00:19:12,803 who disobeyed orders and went out and found 'em-- 391 00:19:12,847 --> 00:19:14,805 B.J. Hunnicutt and Doug Aylesworth. 392 00:19:17,025 --> 00:19:21,116 ♪ Oh, we went lookin' for ya because we both adore ya ♪ 393 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:24,206 ♪ But don't you ever do it, don't you put us through it ♪ 394 00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:27,296 ♪ Don't you ever do it again ♪ 395 00:19:27,340 --> 00:19:29,864 -Yay! -[all cheering] 396 00:19:29,907 --> 00:19:31,909 Thank you. Thank you all. 397 00:19:31,953 --> 00:19:34,303 You're warm and affectionate and lovely. 398 00:19:34,347 --> 00:19:36,131 And you're so nice to come home to. 399 00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:37,176 Isn't that right, Major? 400 00:19:37,219 --> 00:19:39,656 Yes. Indeed it is, Captain. 401 00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:41,832 I can't tell you how glad I am you found us. 402 00:19:41,876 --> 00:19:43,965 I can't tell you how glad I am you found us. 403 00:19:44,008 --> 00:19:46,228 -[chuckles] -Oh, boy! Am I glad you found us. 404 00:19:46,272 --> 00:19:48,317 -Uh-huh. -You really saved my life. 405 00:19:48,361 --> 00:19:49,884 -Excuse me. -Yes? 406 00:19:53,104 --> 00:19:56,543 Hell hath no fury like a woman sustained. 407 00:19:57,935 --> 00:20:00,024 You got any idea what that was all about? 408 00:20:00,068 --> 00:20:01,939 I think so, yeah. 409 00:20:01,983 --> 00:20:03,767 How'd you like to save my life again? 410 00:20:03,811 --> 00:20:05,334 Sure. You want me to fight her for you? 411 00:20:05,378 --> 00:20:07,380 I need some advice. 412 00:20:07,423 --> 00:20:12,515 We were scared and lonely, and we turned to each other. 413 00:20:12,559 --> 00:20:14,865 Only I turned away first, and I guess I've insulted her. 414 00:20:14,909 --> 00:20:16,954 And I don't know what to do about it. 415 00:20:16,998 --> 00:20:19,783 -Talk to her. -Yeah, well, I've thought of that. 416 00:20:19,827 --> 00:20:21,263 Only I'm afraid, if we make up, 417 00:20:21,307 --> 00:20:22,960 it's liable to start all over again. 418 00:20:23,004 --> 00:20:24,397 Are you afraid of her or of you? 419 00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:25,746 Why should I be afraid of me? 420 00:20:25,789 --> 00:20:27,051 Sounds like maybe you felt something for her, 421 00:20:27,095 --> 00:20:28,183 and it scares you. 422 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:30,272 I felt something for her? 423 00:20:30,316 --> 00:20:32,274 Are you nuts? I felt something? 424 00:20:32,318 --> 00:20:34,624 -You know who you sound like? -Romeo Montague? 425 00:20:34,668 --> 00:20:37,671 Hot Lips Houlihan. You got her denial routine down pat. 426 00:20:37,714 --> 00:20:39,629 Don't be crazy. 427 00:20:43,677 --> 00:20:46,810 Well, actually... 428 00:20:46,854 --> 00:20:49,248 even while I was screaming and yelling at her a while ago... 429 00:20:51,598 --> 00:20:53,643 a part of me was remembering the night before. 430 00:20:53,687 --> 00:20:56,298 So talk to her. What's the worst that can happen, 431 00:20:56,342 --> 00:20:59,301 that you'll have to admit she stirred something in you? 432 00:20:59,345 --> 00:21:01,912 Give a little. You got plenty to spare. 433 00:21:03,436 --> 00:21:05,264 -[knocking] -Yes? 434 00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:06,830 HAWKEYE: Don't call the police. I just wanna talk. 435 00:21:12,401 --> 00:21:14,795 -Hurry up. Don't let anyone see you. -Nobody saw. 436 00:21:14,838 --> 00:21:18,451 You can't hang around my door like this. You want people to talk? 437 00:21:18,494 --> 00:21:21,367 Margaret, I came to level with you. 438 00:21:21,410 --> 00:21:23,630 I don't think anything could ever come of it because we're so different, 439 00:21:23,673 --> 00:21:27,198 but something happened to us out there, both of us. 440 00:21:29,723 --> 00:21:31,333 Maybe we cared for each other 441 00:21:31,377 --> 00:21:34,554 a little bit more than either of us would like. 442 00:21:34,597 --> 00:21:36,338 I don't see why we can't own up to that. 443 00:21:36,382 --> 00:21:38,079 We might even turn out to be friends. 444 00:21:38,122 --> 00:21:40,211 I don't know what you're talking about. 445 00:21:40,255 --> 00:21:43,127 Nothing happened out there, not a thing. 446 00:21:43,171 --> 00:21:45,521 Wait a minute, nothing happened? Is that what you're trying to tell me? 447 00:21:45,565 --> 00:21:47,741 Not unless you took advantage of me while I was drunk. 448 00:21:50,004 --> 00:21:51,962 You know, for a minute, I was afraid I might like you too much, 449 00:21:52,006 --> 00:21:53,224 but I don't think I have to worry. 450 00:21:53,268 --> 00:21:54,487 No, wait. Just a second. 451 00:21:54,530 --> 00:21:56,880 Here. Sit down. 452 00:22:01,624 --> 00:22:04,540 Yeah? 453 00:22:04,584 --> 00:22:06,673 I think we can be friends. 454 00:22:06,716 --> 00:22:10,067 -Okay. -I would agree to that. 455 00:22:10,111 --> 00:22:12,418 Fine. Well, I'll have my lawyer draw up a contract. 456 00:22:13,549 --> 00:22:15,203 I'm sorry. 457 00:22:15,246 --> 00:22:17,858 I'm not a very open person sometimes. 458 00:22:17,901 --> 00:22:19,381 Look, nothing will be different, 459 00:22:19,425 --> 00:22:21,427 not between you and me or you and Donald. 460 00:22:21,470 --> 00:22:24,125 I don't expect things to be the same with Donald. 461 00:22:24,168 --> 00:22:25,692 You're not leaving him, are you ? 462 00:22:25,735 --> 00:22:27,128 All he did was accidentally send you a letter 463 00:22:27,171 --> 00:22:28,869 he wrote to somebody named Darleen. 464 00:22:28,912 --> 00:22:31,132 I'm sure the one he meant for you was just as nice. 465 00:22:31,175 --> 00:22:33,656 I'm sending him a letter back-- 466 00:22:33,700 --> 00:22:36,703 a very carefully worded letter. 467 00:22:36,746 --> 00:22:38,922 "Dear Hank." 468 00:22:38,966 --> 00:22:40,228 Do you like "Hank"? 469 00:22:40,271 --> 00:22:42,012 Or maybe I should make it "Dirk." 470 00:22:42,056 --> 00:22:43,536 -Or "Lance." -"Hank" is nice. 471 00:22:43,579 --> 00:22:47,104 -"Hank" will make him crazy. -"Dear Hank... 472 00:22:47,148 --> 00:22:51,935 "I'll never forget that night we spent in that abandoned hut. 473 00:22:51,979 --> 00:22:55,765 "You gave me your warmth and your caring when I was afraid. 474 00:22:55,809 --> 00:22:59,029 "And now I think, from time to time, when I'm afraid again, 475 00:22:59,073 --> 00:23:02,163 "I may have the courage to let another person know it. 476 00:23:02,206 --> 00:23:04,600 "You've helped me to grow a little. 477 00:23:04,644 --> 00:23:06,559 Thank you, Hank." 478 00:23:10,476 --> 00:23:11,999 Thank you, Darleen. 479 00:23:18,745 --> 00:23:21,400 The Swedish MASH at Chorwon just heard about our arterial transplants. 480 00:23:21,443 --> 00:23:23,010 I don't think I wanna hear the rest. 481 00:23:23,053 --> 00:23:24,794 You guessed it. They want a demonstration. 482 00:23:24,838 --> 00:23:26,274 I think Pierce and Houlihan have done their duty. 483 00:23:26,317 --> 00:23:27,754 That leaves one of you two. 484 00:23:27,797 --> 00:23:30,147 Colonel, I refuse to run the risk 485 00:23:30,191 --> 00:23:31,801 of going through what the two of them went through. 486 00:23:31,845 --> 00:23:34,021 They were bombed, wounded, hounded by the enemy. 487 00:23:34,064 --> 00:23:37,067 They came back here bloody and limping. 488 00:23:37,111 --> 00:23:39,679 Outside of one moment of glory in the operating tent, 489 00:23:39,722 --> 00:23:42,769 the whole trip was for them one gargantuan disaster. 490 00:23:46,903 --> 00:23:48,383 CHARLES: What are you smiling at? 491 00:23:48,427 --> 00:23:50,429 I'm not smiling. 492 00:23:50,472 --> 00:23:51,865 What are you smiling at? 493 00:23:51,908 --> 00:23:53,606 Who's smiling? I'm not smiling. 494 00:23:53,649 --> 00:23:54,911 What are you smiling at? 495 00:23:54,955 --> 00:23:57,871 This isn't smiling. I'm serious. 496 00:23:57,914 --> 00:23:59,394 All right. Let's cut out the smiling. 497 00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:00,961 Who's smiling? 498 00:24:03,093 --> 00:24:06,183 All right, all right. I'll go. I'll do it. 499 00:24:06,227 --> 00:24:08,229 But when I come back, there better not be any smiling. 500 00:24:08,272 --> 00:24:10,361 ALL: Who's smiling? 501 00:24:10,405 --> 00:24:12,668 ♪♪ [theme]